[Satire] City Commission creates GANGs to distribute shootings more equitably

BY “LAUREN JOHNSON”

This article is satirical, and all aspects, including the quotes, are fictional. We extend our condolences to the victims of the recent shootings and hope that the City and GPD will pursue effective measures to reduce these incidents in the future.

The Gainesville City Commission held an emergency 16-hour meeting on gun violence after consecutive days with drive-by shootings located less than two miles apart on the east side of town. 

“This is a terrible violation of our equity plan,” said Commissioner Gail Johnson, who was selected to head a task force to deal with the issue.

Commissioner Johnson promised to appoint equity officers to all non-governmental organizations throughout Gainesville, starting with those that are primarily active at night.

Once an equity officer is assigned, each group will be licensed under the Government-Approved Nocturnal Groups (GANG) program. Each GANG will be required to have a membership that is representative of the city’s demographics. 

“The lack of equity is disturbing,” said a local resident who phoned in during public comment; he refused to identify himself to avoid retribution. “I will be applying for an equity officer position, and the GANG I hope to be assigned to has no members over 65 years old and is under-represented by Alaska Natives and Pacific Islanders, not to mention BIPOCs and each letter in LGBTQIA+, although we may need to request additional data about the representation of each in Gainesville before making a final determination.” The city commission unanimously voted to pay a consultant $100,000 to gather the demographic data.

In addition to making the GANGs more representative, the goal is to make the distribution of drive-by shootings more equitable throughout the city. The “Spread the Lead” program will require statistics to be tracked monthly, and a new equity division of Gainesville Police Department (GPD) will vigorously patrol the streets.

Commissioner David Arreola moved that if a drive-by shooting is imminent or already occurring in an over-represented area, a quick-reaction force should be dispatched to relocate the shooters to another part of town. A heated debate was had on whether the potential victims would also be relocated or if the GANG would have to settle on new targets in order to ensure full equity. The motion passed unanimously, but the issue of what to do about the victims was left unsettled.

“It’s a work in progress,” said Commissioner Reina Saco, “but we’re determined to bring equity to all aspects of life in Gainesville. Some people may not like it or want to pay for it, but once we have control of enough GANGs, they’ll come around… or else.” Saco also wanted to make sure the homeless and undocumented neighbors were represented in the GANGs and wanted GPD to promise that the quick-reaction force would be multi-lingual.

Another open question is how to ensure equity in access to vehicles and weapons. “We want to make sure all makes and models are represented,” said Commissioner Harvey Ward. “At the same time, we need to be aware of community residents who want to participate in drive-by shootings but cannot because they either do not have a car or a gun.” The commissioners discussed whether to provide community vehicles and weapons or use a commercial third-party provider similar to the rental scooters in town. “There are a lot of options to consider on the equity checklist,” Ward said.

Mayor Lauren Poe said, “We’re really proud of this GANG initiative. Portland may have had all the headlines last year, but at the last U.S. Conference of Mayors meeting, where I was a featured speaker by the way, I told Portland Mayor Ted Wheeler to hold my beer.”