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[Satire] City Commission creates GANGs to distribute shootings more equitably

BY JAKE FULLER

BY “LAUREN JOHNSON”

This article is satirical, and all aspects, including the quotes, are fictional. We extend our condolences to the victims of the recent shootings and hope that the City and GPD will pursue effective measures to reduce these incidents in the future.

The Gainesville City Commission held an emergency 16-hour meeting on gun violence after consecutive days with drive-by shootings located less than two miles apart on the east side of town. 

“This is a terrible violation of our equity plan,” said Commissioner Gail Johnson, who was selected to head a task force to deal with the issue.

Commissioner Johnson promised to appoint equity officers to all non-governmental organizations throughout Gainesville, starting with those that are primarily active at night.

Once an equity officer is assigned, each group will be licensed under the Government-Approved Nocturnal Groups (GANG) program. Each GANG will be required to have a membership that is representative of the city’s demographics. 

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“The lack of equity is disturbing,” said a local resident who phoned in during public comment; he refused to identify himself to avoid retribution. “I will be applying for an equity officer position, and the GANG I hope to be assigned to has no members over 65 years old and is under-represented by Alaska Natives and Pacific Islanders, not to mention BIPOCs and each letter in LGBTQIA+, although we may need to request additional data about the representation of each in Gainesville before making a final determination.” The city commission unanimously voted to pay a consultant $100,000 to gather the demographic data.

In addition to making the GANGs more representative, the goal is to make the distribution of drive-by shootings more equitable throughout the city. The “Spread the Lead” program will require statistics to be tracked monthly, and a new equity division of Gainesville Police Department (GPD) will vigorously patrol the streets.

Commissioner David Arreola moved that if a drive-by shooting is imminent or already occurring in an over-represented area, a quick-reaction force should be dispatched to relocate the shooters to another part of town. A heated debate was had on whether the potential victims would also be relocated or if the GANG would have to settle on new targets in order to ensure full equity. The motion passed unanimously, but the issue of what to do about the victims was left unsettled.

“It’s a work in progress,” said Commissioner Reina Saco, “but we’re determined to bring equity to all aspects of life in Gainesville. Some people may not like it or want to pay for it, but once we have control of enough GANGs, they’ll come around… or else.” Saco also wanted to make sure the homeless and undocumented neighbors were represented in the GANGs and wanted GPD to promise that the quick-reaction force would be multi-lingual.

Another open question is how to ensure equity in access to vehicles and weapons. “We want to make sure all makes and models are represented,” said Commissioner Harvey Ward. “At the same time, we need to be aware of community residents who want to participate in drive-by shootings but cannot because they either do not have a car or a gun.” The commissioners discussed whether to provide community vehicles and weapons or use a commercial third-party provider similar to the rental scooters in town. “There are a lot of options to consider on the equity checklist,” Ward said.

Mayor Lauren Poe said, “We’re really proud of this GANG initiative. Portland may have had all the headlines last year, but at the last U.S. Conference of Mayors meeting, where I was a featured speaker by the way, I told Portland Mayor Ted Wheeler to hold my beer.”

  • OMGoodness!!! This is too funny!! I love your venture into satire, Alachua Bee!!
    And I definitely want to apply for that $100,000 job, So I can feed you lots of material for future satirical posts! 🤣🤣🤣

  • Are they asking to spread the “lead” or spread the “lead?” Should they use a semi-auto or a revolver?

    Arreola…still sucking on his momma’s areola.

    Wacko Saco…once an idiot ALWAYS an idiot

    Harvey “Two-Face” Ward…the only thing he’s aware of is what a coward he is.

    Poe said…”hold my beer, I’ll need two hands for that.”

    Echo K B’s sentiments…thanks!

    • This city commission is nuts…this “Gangs” program
      Thing is going to be another boondoggle like the biomass plant. Vote these commies out of office!

  • I was thinking he could do one about a Gunmobile instead of a Bookmobile. That would help to solve the problem of equitable gun access “for the kids.”

  • I applied to be an equity officer in the “GANGS”
    Program, but I was denied for the same reason the guy
    Was denied for the recent county economic development position…isn’t that reverse discrimination?

    • law enforcement needs to enact a sundown curfew
      On the east side of town until this shooting thing
      Gets resolved…C’mon Feldman, we cant be waiting
      For the social workers and the “GANG” program to
      Kick in and this is NOT satire…I’m dead serious
      Before the shooting gets equitable all over the city…
      We don’t need the proximity crime spreading throughout
      The whole city…where’s BLM? If you don’t do anything
      Now, then I guess BLM doesn’t really matter…c’mon
      Gail, step up to the plate…

  • The plot is even thicker. Once they start moving the shootings around, the smart folks in Gainesville plan to move ALL the GANG activity to west of 34th Street and “let Springs County annex them.” Problem solved.

    • If that happens pretty confident there will be some “culling the herd.” Problem REALLY solved.

  • King Poe will conveniently call
    A Covid delta variant pandemic and call for a quarantine & lockdown of the City to stop to these hoodlums and we’ll
    All have to wear masks & show Covid passport and shut
    Down non-essential businesses again…damn commie tyrants! Then he’ll be paying people not to work again
    From those federal funds…

  • School board already working on redistricting. That should help solve this inequity detail.

  • What these jack-arse “commissioners” don’t understand is that they enable and perpetuate these events by continuing with an inept police chief, a farce program to help kids, and insane policies to waste millions on green/liberal ideas instead of getting new PD leadership, putting more cops in these area, treating criminals like the thugs they are, and partnering with a proven national program for youth.

  • Why do homeless, vagrants and criminals flock here and stay? Some of the worst crime around happens right here with beggars on literally every corner.

    • The police waste an awful lot of time dealing with the vagrants, time that could be spent pro-actively policing and with “neighborhood policing,” which was Jones’s original stated goal years ago. There is a definite opportunity cost in terms of the man hours spend dealing with crazy/violent people who should be put in a mental institution for a while.

  • Are we still paying felons or did it start yet, the local program to pay felons a monthly stipend just because they are felons? Another reason to become a felon! Just do a drive by. Q: What kind of ignoramus commissioners would endorse that? A: All Gainesville city commissioners! It lowers crime! Yeah, right!

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